Weekly Recaps

TONAWANDA, NY – It had been 1,477 days since Tom Barbops had last worn the green jacket. Barbops has been competitive in those days but like his single-days in the Town of Tonawanda bars, he hadn't been able to close the deal. A bit of a draught one would say.

That streak came to an end for Barbops but not without a cost.

Barbops shot a 36+1 to move into first place overall as Jeff Hewett couldn't take the pressure of being atop the prestigious league and shot a 42+0. Barbops was feeling good, sitting at the bar at the Grill fielding autograph requests and taking pictures with fans of the 6-time green jacket winner.

"The green jacket never gets old no matter how many times you dominate the competition." Barbops barked as Scott Wilson jealously rolled his eyes and watched the Sabres game.

"I'm fine with anyone but Barbops winning the jacket any given week." said Wilson. "When he wins, it's a spectacle. He makes sure everyone in the room sees him. And that's not easy given his five-foot-nothing stature."

The old friends sat together and enjoyed beverages and a late night snack. It wasn't until days later the two men realized they were embroiled in a scandal unlike any other scandal the league has seen...and the league knows a thing or two about scandals cause it's seen a scandal or two.

The night started just like any other: drinks at the Grill with the typical banter and laughs until the shotgun start at 6:45.

Barbops was steady, making his run by shooting a back-9 17+1 with nothing but 2's and one 1. He wrapped up with a front-9 19, marking a 3 on hole-5, his only blemish. Barbops was paired with Hewett and the Most Improved Player of the Year candidate, Bryan An. Clearly, Barbops had put the pressure on his playing partners as they both shot 42's, with An besting Hewett 1 hole-in-one to 0 by Hewett.

By the middle of the round, it was clear to the rest of the league that Barbops was going to win the green jacket and move atop of the league. Additionally, it was then that Barbops questioned Conschafter's tee position, claiming he should incur a penalty for teeing the ball up beyond the agreed upon line.

According to posts made by an anonymous source known as "PAnon", it was these events that infuriated Conschafter and set the Grand Island 10 (GIX) into action.

The post by PAnon claims that GIX member Steve Maziarz met with their chemists from China to acquire a COVID serum which he would achieve immunity from before being able to transfer to unsuspecting victims.

Of course you may be asking yourself "Why Barbops?" or "How could the GIX pull this off? Collectively they didn't score a 1,600 on the SAT." or "Why now?" and "Who is PAnon and how would he know?" All fair questions. But the greatest question many will likely ask is "Who the hell is Steve Maziarz?"

Maziarz is a North Tonawanda transplant that now resides in Grand Island. He was introduced to the league by fellow GIX members Steve Steck and Joe Neeson. He's not been present in any pre or post putting activities and given his extremely poor play, has the least lose and would be the most unsuspecting GIX member to pull this off.

So how did they pull this off? It was a calculated string of events that were only put together after reviewing footage from the Dome.

Maziarz would miss several weeks traveling back and forth to China perfecting the serum. He would spend days using his body as a human petri dish. This is documented in text and phone records between Maziarz and the POPIH (poe-pie; President of Putter In Hand) obtained by the SCOPIH (sko-pie; Supreme Court of Putter In Hand).

Next, Maziarz would meet before the night began with fellow GIX member Shawn Conschafter to ensure he had samples of the serum in the event he had the opportunity to transfer it to any of PIH's top putters. This is documented by Conschafter's lack of pregame drinks and the poor forth quarter sales the Grill has reported.

It was midway through the round when Conschafter recognized an opportunity.

After Wilson missed a tap-in putt, Wilson threw his ball in the drink in anger. After the rules committee informed Wilson that he would be disqualified if he didn't finish the round with the ball he started with, Wilson attempted to fish his ball out of the water. Not being a limber man by any means, Wilson asked for a hand.

In a not-very-Conschafter-like move, Conschafter reached out to Wilson and lent him an infected hand. This was when the COVID serum was transferred to Wilson.

But Wilson isn't a "top putter" so why infect him? Conschafter knew, like most nights, Wilson would be in close proximity to Barbops and it was just a matter of time before Wilson and Barbops connected for the final transfer. And that would be the case. Barbops and Wilson sat at the corner of the bar, mingling amongst themselves. Footage obtained by the league showed the immediate affects the serum had on Wilson as he was seen popping pills he keeps concealed in a SKOL container to fend off the affects he thought was just his typical stomach issues from years of excessive draft beer consumption at local watering holes.

Finally, why did the GIX decide this week to make their move? You have to go deep into the dark web to answer this. PAnon had reported that there was an upcoming secret election which the POPIH would be replaced should voters become aware of the election. PAnon reported that the GIX was looking to assassinate it's leader and Righty members of the SCOPIH. The only GIX member on the SCOPIH, John Coyle, is a Lefty.

While this news outlet only reports the truth and doesn't believe much of what is written on the dark web, given the mountain of evidence we have documented, the accusations do appear to be substantiated. All PIH leaders have been made aware of such threats and the league is looking into what actions it can take to ensure the safety and well drinking of all its putters.

In other news:

The threesome of Jeff Luke, Mike Mondoux, and Conschafter achieved a first in league history when all three putters made a two on hole-2. This wasn't a fluke for Luke and Mondoux as they shot a 37+2 and 37+1 respectively. Conschafter had other things on his mind and shot a 42+1 and sits at 5th overall. Luke moved up again this week and sits in 4th while Mondoux is in 6th.

Tying Luke in 2nd place was John Coyle. This tie pushes the 2nd place money over to week-5, the first money carryover of 2022.

An infected Wilson was able to gather himself after his water incident and shot a 41+1 to stay in contention in 6th place overall.

After shooting a 7th place 42+1, Bryan An stays in the money as he sits in 3rd place alone. Vegas has reportedly put his week-5 score over/under at 43.5 for those looking to make a wager. Sounds like a good bet considering his history in the league (read: horrible).

Hewett's 10th place finish moved him down one spot as he sits 8.75 points behind the leader. With him at 10th place this week was Rob Vickers (14th overall), Pat Holden (17), and Steve Steck (22). When Hewett heard who he was tied with for the week, he was beside himself. "I tied these bums? No one gives them a chance of winning in a week and I tied them? I need to do better." Vegas agrees and has Hewett at 2-1 favorite going into week-5.

Nick Keil finished alone in 14th with a 43+1. Nick continues to prove that you can still have fun despite not having a chance at the green jacket. Nick sits in 13th overall, which for him, isn't bad.

Four putters tied at 15th with 43+0. Brenan Dracup, Dominic, LoVallo, Jason Cox, and Joe Neeson. This foursome is a mixed bag of athleticism and skill. Dracup and LoVallo have yet to make a hole-in-one on the season or shot a round below 40. Neeson is a one-time green jacket winner that most likely will retire with that one jacket even if he plays for another 25 years. And Cox started off strong with two solid weeks to start his career but has faltered as of late.

Alone in 19th, Jim Neville continues his streak of shitty rounds in the 40's after posting a season worse score of 44+0. Neville's focus in 2022 has not been on putting rather creating turmoil in the league and harassing league officials with poorly made GIFs that only he finds clever.

Tied for 20th and not surprisingly horrible was Scott Verost and Joel Cady. Verost shot his second straight 45+0 whild Cady actually shaved a stroke off his week-3 score. Neither putter will sniff the 30's the rest of the year.

And rounding out this week's score was patient-zero Steve Maziarz with a 48+0 and Kelly Caito with a 52+0. Maziarz is said to make his first appearance at the Grill in week-5 while Caito plans to show Maziarz how to score shitty but drink well after. Caito is looking for her first hole-in-one while Maziarz is looking for his first beer.

After the round, there were only two hallway putters so a simultaneous putting contest was had by Luke and Coyle. Luke came out victorious as expected.

Week-5 is the US Open major and is worth 1.5 points.

And finally, the last week of the year will be December 22 when we will putt our last week and have a "banquet" immediately after. Spouses, significant others, and any other sand is welcome at the beach that week as well as any other.