Weekly Recaps
Post-round write-ups from the commissioner
TONAWANDA, NY – It was a light week at PIH — lighter attendance, lighter BAC thanks to Conschafter’s absence — but that’s all the window Jim Randles needed to fulfill a lifelong dream.
In just his second season of competition, Randles finally did it. He won his first Green Jacket, an accomplishment that left him but never an issue when his BFF, Bill Shaflucas is near. Randles has logged hundreds of rounds over the past year, chasing that elusive win. League historians note that the average Green Jacket winner has putted the course over 124 times — Randles is rumored to be approaching 200 in just his second season!
Jay Flemming, who had the pleasure (and patience) of playing with him, commented “He lined up every putt like it was the championship. Every. Single. One. Only Jeff Luke plays slower — and we all know that’s saying something.”
The emotion was palpable as Randles sank his final putt and lifted his arms in triumph. But no one was happier than his best friend, life coach, and emotional support animal Bill Shaflucas, who was reportedly seen in tears shortly afterward.
Witnesses say Shaflucas dropped to his knees shouting, “That’s my Jim! My sweet, patient Jim!” while clutching a towel embroidered with Randles’ initials. Others suggested he dropped to his knees in preparation of Randles “award” said an anonymous source.
Every week, Bill dutifully calls in both his and Jim’s attendance to league officials, as Jim “doesn’t have time” between work, family, and what’s been described as a “rigorous putting schedule.” Insiders say the two are now the frontrunners for Cutest Couple of the Year, a title previously held by Joel Cady and Brenan Dracup.
When asked about their friendship, Randles blushed and admitted, “Bill’s my guy. He lines up my life the way I line up my 6-incher”, saying such with a wink and a smile. It’s unclear what he was referring to when he said “6-incher” but the wink and the smile may have been a giveaway.
Also leaving with a 6-incher was Mike Mondoux who left week-3 wearing the Championship Belt, though league analysts agree it’s likely illegitimate since John Coyle still hasn’t posted his round.
Mondoux, however, isn’t celebrating. Instead, he’s on high alert. “I want to know exactly when Coyle’s putting,” Mondoux demanded. “I’m going to be there. I’m watching his every move. His continued success is impossible. The man’s cheating — it’s either PEDs, an illegal putter, or a remote-controlled ball. Something’s up, and I’m going to find out what.”
Rumors have already spread that Mondoux hired a private investigator to follow Coyle’s future rounds. League security has been notified but reportedly “doesn’t care.”
In a surprising twist, the women of the league have formally organized and submitted two motions through their newly self-identified union representative, Eric Alstrom — who, according to sources, was told to speak on their behalf because “he wears lavender polos and understands feelings very well.” The SCOPIH convened an emergency session to address the proposals.
Motion #1: Any putter identifying as female, anyone who sits while peeing, or anyone wearing pastel colors during play may take a 1.5-foot relief from any obstructed swing. That motion was Approved 3-1 with the only ‘nah’ vote coming from Jay Flemming. When asked why the no vote, Flemming cried “Caito has beaten me at putt putt, corn-hole, and darts. She and the other “women” of the league don’t need an advantage. They’re lucky to be included”
The second motion: A two-foot tee box advancement for all women was Denied 0-4. The SCOPIH cited “women’s equality” in the rejection, noting that “at some point, we’ve got to stop pretending this is golf.” When asked for comment, Kim Schmoyer said, “It’s fine. I didn’t want the extra two feet anyway. The ‘men’ in this league can keep all the inches they got and from what I have seen after 3-weeks, they don’t have many inches to spare.” A hasty response from a rookie but a response that will earn her respect around the league.
The team of Justin Bridenbaker, Connor Oakley, Geoff Zander, and Kim Schmoyer was officially eliminated from the team competition with a brutal 182 + 2 — a score so bad it made the league consider implementing mercy rules. Bridenbaker, when reached for comment, said, “At least we had fun.” To which Zander replied, “No, we didn’t.”
John Coyle, still holding a week in hand, is tied with Scott VeRost for the league lead in Holes in One with seven apiece. Mondoux trails by one but insists he should be up by 11 if all the close putts fell.
For the second week in a row, Jeff Luke finished fifth and will once again don the Pink Jacket. When asked for comment, Luke said, “Fifth place is the new first, baby. It’s called staying humble.”
It was an emotional, chaotic week at PIH — Jim’s dreams came true, Bill’s tears watered the greens, Mondoux started an espionage campaign, and the women staged a peaceful protest in pastel. As the season heats up, one thing’s for sure: nobody at PIH is getting better at putting — but damn, they’re getting better at drama.