Weekly Recaps

TONAWANDA, NY – Jeff Hewett just walked into Week 8, kicked the door off the hinges, and left with his second green jacket of the season. With a commanding 34+4, Hewett finished 3 strokes +1 better than Shawn Conschafter’s 37+3, who had to settle for yet another night of “pretty good” while watching someone else pose for the photo.

Not far behind, Chris Wilkinson turned in a 37+2 to finish in 3rd. Mike Mondoux and Bryan An rounded out the top with a tie for 4th with pre-putt scores of 37+1, which in PIH terms is basically: “Congrats, you’re relevant and/or under investigation.”

Down the board, John Coyle finished 15th with a 39+0—and for Coyle, that’s the sports equivalent of leaving the stove on. Because with those scores in, Coyle relinquishes the belt to Mondoux, who now holds a 3.25 lead in the overall standings heading into Week 9’s major: the PIH Championship (2x points). Translation: it’s still anyone’s game, but it’s also officially “no one is safe” season.

Of course, Hewett’s big night couldn’t just be about golf—because PIH refuses to be “normal” for even one week. The post-round chaos was dominated by the swirling rumor that Kelly Caito is retiring after the season, and—hold onto your scorecards—working with Kim Schmoyer and Eric Alstrom to form the LPIH (Ladies Putter In Hand). Even better, it’s allegedly sponsored by T.I.T.S. (The Turkish Invitational Thursday Series)—the defunct league created by several Grand Islanders and reportedly being funded by one-time PIH member Jason Cox, who is said to have ties with foreign operatives in the oil industry. Yes, really. This league has more side plots than a daytime soap opera.

League reaction was…predictably unhinged. Trevor Duffy, speaking for the portion of the membership that ranks humans by wing intake, offered: “If the ladies want to go, let ’em. They bring little to the league in terms of drinking and wing eating which is how I rank putters.” Meanwhile Brett Verost took it as a personal crisis: “It’s the only social interaction I have with the other gender every week. I practice my game—putting and flirting—with them each week. What will I do?” And Austin Brass, still trying to learn the difference between facts and PIH folklore, summed it up best: “This is my 8th week, I have no idea what is bullshit and what is real. I’ll believe it after it happens. I hope it doesn’t as they’re the only 3 that I have a chance at beating on a given week.”

When the three ladies were reached for comment they didn’t discredit the story. Kelly Caito said “Look, I’m not saying anything is official… but the money they’re throwing at us is life-changing. Like, ‘new putter, new wardrobe, new personality’ life-changing. PIH is fun and all, but fun doesn’t pay for emotionally recovering from this league every Thursday.”

Kim Schmoyer added “I’m still new—I don’t have great ties to the league yet. Half the time I don’t even know if people are joking or if there’s an actual committee investigating my score. So if there’s an opportunity to start fresh somewhere else, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t listening.”

And Eric Alstrom cried “All I’ll say is this: I just want to play where I’m respected for who I secretly identify as. Here, I get heckled for my wardrobe, questioned for my putts, and judged for my vibes. In the LPIH, I’ll finally be free to be… whatever it is I’m not ready to announce yet.”

The league has already opened “productive conversations” with the ladies in an effort to keep them in PIH, but like every other scandal, rule dispute, and mid-season existential crisis this league has survived, PIH will endure—loudly and with absolute controversy.

And finally—because the stakes need to be higher—the teams competition is down to four three squads, and one will be eliminated this coming week. Upon further review, a typo was found and a score correction resulted in the elimination of not only Team Jake Donn w/ Jay Flemming, Mike Meinzer, and Brett Verost but Team John Coyle w/ Joel Cady, Jim Riley, and Dave Donn were also eliminated. The error came when it was discovered that Jay Flemming's score was not 40+1 as recorded in the teams page but a 38+1. This put their team score at 166+2, tying Team Coyle's score exactly. This leaves just three teams remaining going into week-9 where now just one team will be eliminated next week.

The remaining teams are:

1. Team Mondoux: Alex Keil, Bryan An, Steve Wehr
2. Team Conschafter: Eric Alstrom, Jim Neville, Scott Hamilton
3. Team Luke: Joe Neeson, Chris Czopp, Steve Maziarz

Week 9 is a major, it’s 2x, the belt has changed hands, and half the remaining teams are about to get sent home. In other words: absolute disaster incoming—exactly how PIH likes it.