Weekly Recaps
Post-round write-ups from the commissioner
TONAWANDA, NY – Just when it looked like PIH might head calmly into the final week, week-9 reminded everyone that this league is incapable of order, logic, or emotional stability.
The madness started with Bryan An pre-putting the best round of his life, a 35+3, only to once again miss out on his first green jacket. An’s round was witnessed by league’s top-attorney, Trevor Duffy and not the shady Islander, Jim Neville, which is banned from being the lone pre and post putting witness to any and all islanders. Instead, Justin Bridenbaker took week-9 with a 35+2, quietly reminding the league that he’s still in the league.
With the green jacket comes the honor of awarding the pink jacket to a fellow putter. This is when the night fell apart.
In what will go down as one of the most confusing five-minute stretches in PIH history, Bridenbaker initially awarded the pink jacket to Jeff Luke, for no apparent reason other than Luke was the closest putter near him. Moments later Bridenbaker realized that awarding Luke the pink jacket was not beneficial to him. A rapid reassessment occurred and the jacket was promptly re-awarded to Shawn Conschafter. This sparked immediate outrage from Team Grand Island, who began shouting expletives at Jeff Luke, an entirely innocent bystander whose only crime was standing too close to Bridenbaker during the decision-making process.
To make matters worse (or better), Conschafter refused to accept the jacket, creating a problem the league was wildly unprepared to handle. Since there is no rule addressing pink jacket reassignment or seller’s remorse in the PIH bylaws, and the league’s preference in not making up rules mid-season, the League Commissioner has announced the pink jacket will be abandoned entirely in week-10 while the SCOPIH “contemplates a ruling.”
Meanwhile, the leaderboard took a hard left turn. Week-8 leader Mike Mondoux imploded with a 43, dropping from 1st to 4th in the standings. John Coyle moved back into 1st place while Chris Wilkinson once again quietly slid into 2nd. Shawn Conschafter moved into 3rd, and suddenly the entire top of the board is unstable heading into the week-10 FedEx Cup finale.
Adding another layer of league-wide paranoia, the top five players in the season standings are all Grand Islanders and are still rumored to be leaving PIH to form their own exclusive T.I.T.S. league. Sources say applications are currently being accepted, with the entry fee consisting of one’s soul and covering the Grand Islanders’ weekly bar tabs, which reportedly average $250 per person. Early interest is low. Curiosity is moderate. Likelihood of the league folds like Mondoux after a Red Flag is high.
THE FEDEX 8 – HEADING INTO WEEK 10
- John Coyle
- Chris Wilkinson
- Shawn Conschafter
- Mike Mondoux
- Justin Bridenbaker
- Tom Barbops
- Jeff Luke
- Jeff Hewett
TEAMS UPDATE
Team Conschafter (Shawn Conschafter, Eric Alstrom, Jim Neville, Scott Hamilton) has been eliminated, following what witnesses described as Alstrom and Hamilton “completely shitting the bed.”
That leaves just two teams standing in the teams competition:
- Team Mondoux: Mike Mondoux, Alex Keil, Bryan An, Steve Wehr
- Team Luke: Jeff Luke, Joe Neeson, Chris Czopp, Steve Maziarz
One week left. One FedEx Cup. Two teams. Zero clarity. And three hours of an open bar.
Week-10 is set up to be exactly the disaster PIH wants.