Weekly Recaps
Post-round write-ups from the commissioner
TONAWANDA, NY – Shawn Conschafter has been eerily quiet, and seemingly a non-factor, on the putting greens and at The Grill through the first four weeks of the 2023 season. Several league members and Grill employees both have approached league officials asking about the health and well-being of Conschafter for several weeks now.
“What’s up with Conschafter? He doesn’t appear to be himself lately?” said many. When asked for clarification or evidence of change, folks had plenty.
“Our Kettle One vodka sales are down 82% for the year” complained Grill owner Josh. “I rely on that guy’s consumption to pay for my kids Christmas gifts. He’s killing me.”
“I would go home with bank” said one bartender that wished to remain nameless…but considering the PIH Times doesn’t honor such requests, we’ll refer to her as “Karrie”.
While some were let down by the new Conschafter, others were quite pleased to see the change. “I can actually talk to the guy at the end of the night.” said long-time PIH member, Tom Barbops. “He and I have a lot of similarities but in all the years he and I have been in the league, I don’t think I’ve had a single sober conversation with the guy.” He continued. “This year, he’s been tolerable.”
The US Open seems to be the one-week Conschafter sobers up. Conschafter has four career jackets, tied for 4th overall behind Luke and Barbops (7) and Mondoux (5). Amazingly, three of those green jackets have come at the US Open (’23, ’22, ’17) while his 4th was his first at the Masters in week-3 of 2017. Conschafter shot a career-best 35-3 to take away Bryan An’s best chance at winning his first green jacket as An finished with his career best 36-4.
When asked what he attributes his success at the US Open to Conschafter said “Like most things in life, I have no fucking clue.” He continued “I’ve been hit in the head by so many hockey pucks and have killed too many of the brain cells I had left to know why I do what I do.”
When asked why his performance at the Grill has been a noticeably sober one, Conschafter had a surprisingly honest explanation for that. “Back in 2016 when I was introduced to the great sport of putt-putt and this amazing league, I was much younger and I thought I had a chance with the ladies at the Grill. Now that I’ve got grey hair that I treat with Just For Men, courtesy of Jay Flemming, I realize now what I should have known then: the Grill Girls don’t want me, they want my money. I went from thinking they wanted “just the tip” to knowing they just…want the tip.” Conschafter said while making the Johnny Manzel money motion.
When asked what he’s been doing now that he’s spending less time at the Grill and The Canal Club, another favorite of Conschafter’s on Webster Street in NT, he fessed up “I’ve taken up pickle ball and play in the senior circuit weekday mornings and go to bingo at the Moose Lodge on Wednesdays.”
It’s tough to feel bad for Conschafter given his hostile ways in the past but he has been integral to the success and growth of the league. He brought in guys like Mondoux, Coyle, Neville, and several others from the Island which now stakes claim to over 16 islander connections. That is 50% of the league has roots from the Island. Using fuzzy math, that quates to 0.075% of Grand Island’s total population is a member of Putter-In-Hand.
If history has any way of predicting the future, and in this league we see that it does often, you can expect week-5 to be the pinnacle for Conschafter and won’t see him on the podium again this year…unless you visit him on Pickel Ball Island.
In other news…
Rounding out the top-5 was Dom LoVallo, Tim Kazukiewicz, and Trevor Duffy who all had personal bests and finished tied for 3rd with a 37-1.
Jason Cox continues to sit in 1st place overall. Cox has not fallen out of the first place slot yet this year. Jeff Luke is just 9.75 points behind Cox in 2nd place overall.
Kelly Caito is no longer in last place for the season. That honor belongs to Alex Keil. Alex now sits at the bottom and making a push to be the 2023 BAP/Harald.
No one hit the hole-in-one and the pot carried over to the next week.
US Express, Chris Wilkinson and Trevor Duffy, and The Outsiders, Scott Wilson and Tim Kazukiewicz, are tied for first place in the tag-team overall standings. Strike Force, Joe Neeson and Dom LoVallo, finished atop the leaderboard in week-5 and now sit tied for 3rd with Money Inc., Harald Rehm and Joe Jankowski.
Scott Verost was eliminated from BAP in with a post-green jacket round of 45-1.
Three putters are tied for total holes-in-one for the year. Cox, Luke, and Neeson all have 8 aces on the year. 5 putters are tied for 4th with 6 aces.
And something else to keep an eye on. Kazukiewicz sits in 15th place overall while LoVallo is in 16th. These two putters are in line to take the prize money awarded to the putters who finish in 15th and 16th place at the end of the season. There are plenty of mediocre putters in this league ready to take their places.