Weekly Recaps
Post-round write-ups from the commissioner
TONAWANDA, NY – For 301 days, Jeff Luke replayed the final round of the 2023 season when he walked in as the leader and walked out in 7th place. “I haven’t slept well since that round.” said Luke after the conclusion of week-1. “But I will sleep well tonight.” Luke reclaimed his rightful spot atop the PIH leaderboard posting a week-1 best 37+3. “I had my ups and downs during the round but I stayed focus and didn’t let the pressure get to me. My therapist can be credited with this victory.” Luke started off with back-to-back 3’s before making his first of three holes in one. After posting a 40+1 on the front, Luke settled down and scored a 17+2 on the back after draining a hole-in-one on 18 to seal the victory. “You’re going to see my name atop the leaderboard every week and will have such an insurmountable lead going into week-10 I hope to not even need to putt.” That is an awfully ambitious goal but no one is doubting the possibility.
Going into hole-15, it was John Coyle who had the lead. With a 3 stroke advantage, Coyle began engaging in a heated argument with Luke who was coming off the 11th green. Luke just tapped in his putt when he heard Coyle getting ready to tee off on hole 15 boast he’s having a great round. When Luke asked Coyle to repeat that claim, Coyle got angry and threatened Luke with bodily harm for asking Coyle to have to repeat himself. “You heard me Luke. I don’t need to repeat myself to you or anyone in this league.”
Bystanders were confused by Coyle’s unnecessary reply until they heard him mumble to himself just before teeing off “Why the fuck did I say that aloud in-front of none other than Luke. Fuck. I can’t believe I just did that.”
Coyle proceeded to crumble taking a 3 on 15 and a 4 on 16 to finish with a 38+2, good for second place. “I learned my lesson.” conceded Coyle after the round.
Finishing just behind Coyle was Jim Neville who claimed to shoot a pre-putt 38+1. Neville and fellow Grand Islander Steve Steck pre-putted and both posted scores that were unsarcastically good for each. Steck claimed a 41+2. League members have started to call for Neville’s expulsion after hearing about his posted score. Good thing for Neville is he can’t hear the calls and remains in the league despite league officials’ desires. Neville finished tied for 3rd with Nick Keil, one half of the KO Keil bunch.
Nick is on a mission to defend his good name that his brother doesn’t seem to care about. Alex posted a pedestrian score of 43+0. Despite scoring such a shitty round, Alex and Nick managed to KO 11 putters in week-1. Brett Verost, Eric Alstrom, Jim Randals, Joe Jankowski, Rod Pirson, Scott Wilson, Shawn Conschafter, Trevor Duffy, Scott Lis, Brenan Dracup, and Kevin Wylke all had no chance to make it far in the contest but they did expect to make it to week-2. (editor's correction: Dan Jakafuckingsomething actually had a hole-in-one that was not correctly recorded on his scorecard. This was corrected out of the kindness of the commissioner's heart but may not be the case in all instances. Get your scorecards right!)
Rounding out the top-5 is Scott Verost and Chris Czopp with a 39+1. Scott Verost was the highest-finishing Verost while Czopp was the highest-ranking minority in week-1. While the Verost brothers were happy for Scott’s early success, one of the many minorities in the league took issue with Czopp’s early success and took aim at the South Korean native who came into the league through Putter-In-Hand’s “International Players' Pathway” (IPP) program.
The IPP program selects a region at random each season to train putters from other countries for three months. Putters who meet performance standards may have the opportunity to putt in the PIH. Past putters who came by way of PIH’s diversity program include Jason Cox (Lebanon), Harald Rehm (Germany), Shawn Conschafter (AA), Jim Neville (special needs), Eric Alstrom (LBGTQ), Kelly Caito (obvious), and Bryan An (S. Korea). Seeing the success An has not endured, PIH decided to go back to South Korea and see if they can do better. And apparently, they did.
After the results were announced, An praised himself for his top-10 finish, announcing to those that will listen to him, “For the 45th straight week, I am the highest ranking Asian on the PIH tour” When league offials her his claim they were quick to inform him of Czopp’s origins and top-5 finish.
An immediately took exception to Czopp’s quick rise from the practice squad to the big show and quickly started what many are calling “PIH Birther Gate”.
An, who spent the entire 2015 season on the practice squad before rosters expanded and his name was called to the big show in 2016, demanded Czopp produce a birth certificate and take a DNA test to prove his origin and ethnicity.
A belligerent An yelled at Czopp while being restrained by fellow PIH members “Bullshit. Chris Czopp is not a Korean name. Look at him. Does he look Asian to you? You can see his eyes. How the fuck does this guy get away with calling himself Korean.” When An was confronted about his comments and how the visibility of one's eyes doesn't determine their ethnicity (see: Shawn Conschafter), An didn't waver in his demanded of action from the league.
“If this league is to be respected (Note: it isn’t) it needs to perform a full investigation and he must produce a birth certificate and take a DNA test before he is recognized as a minority in this league.”
When asked what he thinks of An’s rant, Czopp replied “He must be from North Korea” and calmly continued to eat his wings with sponsors Joel Cady and Brenan Dracup.
Since the conclusion of the round on Thursday, the SCOPIH (Supreme Court of Putter In Hand) has received a half dozen filings with claims questioning Czopp’s ethnicity, score, and even his gender. League officials have been made aware of the filings and does not condone nor tolerate such hatred towards any group other than Grand Islanders.
In other news, the Head-to-Head Survivor series starts week-2 with the pairings as follows:
Chris Czopp, Joe Neeson, Scott Verost, Todd O'Bryan, Kevin Wylke
Jeff Luke, Joel Cady, Jeff Hewett, Geoff Zander, Steve Steck
Dominc LoVallo, Justin Bridenbaker, Beau Harper, Bryan An, Harald Rehm
Scott Wilson, Shawn Conschafter, Dan Jakielaszak, Nick Keil, Trevor Duffy
Chris Wilkinson, Jim Randals, Steve Maziarz, Jim Neville, Dave Richards
Mark Verost, Bill Shaflucas, Brett Verost, Tom Barbops
John Coyle, Joe Jankowski, Kelly Caito, Eric Alstrom
Brenan Dracup, Alex Keil, Jake Donn, Jason Cox
Rod Pirson, Scott Liss, Jay Flemming, Mike Mondoux